Ramblings.....

Oh the ramblings of a troubled soul. It has been so hard! It is hard to go day by day knowing the guy you are crazy about is in the same town and wanting to see him and not being able to. And when I do see him I know what to do. Blah! It's getting stupid really. I will be going all day and feel pretty dang good because I haven't seen him at all and I think "hey if I keep this up I will be over him in no time." Then I see him... or his truck... or someone mentions him. FREAK!!! I was so sick of it one day... I knew I would see him if I went to this class... his class is right down the hall from mine and I see him there all the time.... blah! I didn't want to see him... I wanted to be over him... so I ditched! YES!!!! I didn't have to see him all day. This day was going to be awesome! I had a show I needed to do so I pulled out and started to drive to the show. There was his truck! He was at his sister's house... She is my neighbor. "GET THE FREAK OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!" I screamed it at his truck and into the heavens, to anyone or anything that would listen. Please go away! That was a few weeks ago... since then I haven't seen him much, until last week. I saw him at a vocal recital... My heart didn't claw at my rib cage to get to him so... I thought "Yes! I'm getting over him." I was so excited. I went out with friends after the recital... he showed up where we were.... still my heart didn't scream for him. We left to a friends house to watch a movie... (this friend just so happened to be his roommate.... no joke) He came home... and my heart didn't attempt to fly out of my mouth... I felt so smug... "You have no power over me any more." I thought. Then last night.... Last night I was going to a concert... my friend's husband is in the Jazz Band... along with this guy.... I knew this but I felt that I could handle it....I mean I was at his house and I didn't die.... about an hour or so before the concert even started I felt something very familiar... panic... my heart was going nuts! I knew I was going to see him... I knew it... I knew he would see me and not come talk to me... I knew we would both act like we didn't even see the other. I knew it. I walked to the show... I wasn't going to miss my best friend's husband... even if this guy was going to be there. Forget him! but I couldn't. My heart's pounding wouldn't let me. I watched the show... I let out one sigh of longing... my friend heard it and knew exactly what it meant. I was watching when something crazy happened... I didn't see him... in his place I saw someone I had been longing for love from for years... My father. He looked like my dad. Not the way my dad looks now but in pictures... I was floored... I needed to figure it out... I couldn't listen to the music anymore.... I started to write what little I could sort out in my head... He looks like my father.... that's why I fell for him... He looks like the man I have wanted love from all my life. No wonder I was attracted to him... I didn't have a choice.... then it hit me.... I still wasn't going to get the love I longed for from either of them... maybe from my father, with his working harder to show his love, I would feel it. But from this man on stage I wouldn't. The whole time I was writing this my heart has been on a roller coaster ride... as soon as I wrote that last sentence it plummeted. Don't wish... you may never get it.

Notes....

I have been writing notes on my iPod and I thought it would be good to put them up. yeah? Out of my League This is my new favorite song. It's so simple and sweet. I want so badly to have a good man feel this way about me. You know? But I'm so afraid of it. Oh I'm such a hopeless romantic. I find that I'm addicted to the idea of love, but I am so afraid of it finding me. I don't know why I have this crazy fear and yet this longing need. I just don't get it. How could someone so consumed with the idea of love be so terrified of it? I see it all around me and those who have it seem so very happy. How can I find that kind of love? I have looked for years and still have not yet found it. I don't know if it sis because of my fear that it has eluded me for so long or something else. It really drives me nuts. I don't think I can count all the times I thought I was in love and was roughly told other wise. How many times can one heart almost fall in love before it truly does or dies? Oh, I don't want my heart to die without knowing what true love is. There is a song we sing in a Capella, it's called "I am not yours". It is the most beautiful thing of longing for love and never finding it I have ever experienced. I want love just as much as the poet did but I want the ending to be so different. I want to find that love and instead of "I am not yours", I will be able to say "I am yours." But for now I will sit and know that I am out of my league once again.....

Lost in Time

It has been litteraly years since I last wrote on this. Where to start? I was sent here... to EAC. I know that, but... I don't know what I am doing here. I figured it had something to do with school seeing as it is a school, but I feel like I am missing a huge part of my experience here. I know I was meant to meet the new friends I have found and to grow in my singing. I have felt so lost.... lost as I wait in time. The best way I could discribe it to a friend was this... "I followed what the Lord has told me to do once and now He is giving me trials for someone that has far more faith then I." Ugh! I don't understand. Trials seem to hit you at all sides at exactly the same time. Then I hear someone say.. in a talk or something... "testimony come after the trial of your faith." The trial OF your faith not.. the trial becasue you have the faith you need to get through it. This is conforting and yet not... you know... You hear something like that and you think "well poop." yeah that's what went through my head at that moment. So here it is... All you stupid trials... prepare to be overcome... yeah! ha!!!! I want you to remember this Mr. Trial... the Lord knows I can get over you and become a better person. So you can do one of two things... go down fighting and lose... or you can LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!