Ramblings.....

Oh the ramblings of a troubled soul. It has been so hard! It is hard to go day by day knowing the guy you are crazy about is in the same town and wanting to see him and not being able to. And when I do see him I know what to do. Blah! It's getting stupid really. I will be going all day and feel pretty dang good because I haven't seen him at all and I think "hey if I keep this up I will be over him in no time." Then I see him... or his truck... or someone mentions him. FREAK!!! I was so sick of it one day... I knew I would see him if I went to this class... his class is right down the hall from mine and I see him there all the time.... blah! I didn't want to see him... I wanted to be over him... so I ditched! YES!!!! I didn't have to see him all day. This day was going to be awesome! I had a show I needed to do so I pulled out and started to drive to the show. There was his truck! He was at his sister's house... She is my neighbor. "GET THE FREAK OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!" I screamed it at his truck and into the heavens, to anyone or anything that would listen. Please go away! That was a few weeks ago... since then I haven't seen him much, until last week. I saw him at a vocal recital... My heart didn't claw at my rib cage to get to him so... I thought "Yes! I'm getting over him." I was so excited. I went out with friends after the recital... he showed up where we were.... still my heart didn't scream for him. We left to a friends house to watch a movie... (this friend just so happened to be his roommate.... no joke) He came home... and my heart didn't attempt to fly out of my mouth... I felt so smug... "You have no power over me any more." I thought. Then last night.... Last night I was going to a concert... my friend's husband is in the Jazz Band... along with this guy.... I knew this but I felt that I could handle it....I mean I was at his house and I didn't die.... about an hour or so before the concert even started I felt something very familiar... panic... my heart was going nuts! I knew I was going to see him... I knew it... I knew he would see me and not come talk to me... I knew we would both act like we didn't even see the other. I knew it. I walked to the show... I wasn't going to miss my best friend's husband... even if this guy was going to be there. Forget him! but I couldn't. My heart's pounding wouldn't let me. I watched the show... I let out one sigh of longing... my friend heard it and knew exactly what it meant. I was watching when something crazy happened... I didn't see him... in his place I saw someone I had been longing for love from for years... My father. He looked like my dad. Not the way my dad looks now but in pictures... I was floored... I needed to figure it out... I couldn't listen to the music anymore.... I started to write what little I could sort out in my head... He looks like my father.... that's why I fell for him... He looks like the man I have wanted love from all my life. No wonder I was attracted to him... I didn't have a choice.... then it hit me.... I still wasn't going to get the love I longed for from either of them... maybe from my father, with his working harder to show his love, I would feel it. But from this man on stage I wouldn't. The whole time I was writing this my heart has been on a roller coaster ride... as soon as I wrote that last sentence it plummeted. Don't wish... you may never get it.